The Foreign Girl In Town

Sometimes I reflect on my life, I see sometimes people don’t really understand me. Back in Thailand, there weren’t very open of someone being a “ Tomboy”. I kept being told that I need to act more like a girl and behave like one. I didn’t understand. The more I grew up and especially growing up in an all girls school. There were people like me. Not many, but some enough for me to feel that I wasn’t a weirdo. I also probably got it worse as a mixed race. Being a white girl in the town. They say you are very pretty IF you act and dress like a girl. I hated that. That resulted me hating myself and beating myself up on why I can’t just be a normal person like all of my friends. 

I tried fitting in. because I was this girl who had beautiful eyes and my dad was british, I got a lot of attention from my teachers. They put me in these dresses. I allowed them to because I thought I would understand why but I didn’t. In fact, I learnt why I didn’t like it and hated it even more. All those dresses but it did teach me that I am willing to do it if I had to as a job. I have the courage to but it didn’t make me comfortable. What made me comfortable are shorts and just a shirt. One time, my teacher came to me and ask if I want to do the Thai traditional dance, I said yes. I went to the rehearsals and I hated it. I couldn’t get it right and I kept beating myself up for not being the like the girls who want to dress up like this. 

Sports are my comfort, basketball and horse riding. I felt like I could just enjoy myself doing it and not care how good I look, how my red cheeks are shown. I just loved the sweat running down my face and the touch of the ball every time I get it. 

Going in to the all girls school, it felt like heaven but hell hidden in it. I was finally around people who’s like me and the place where I was allowed to be myself. I still faced some comments from the teachers “ You have to walk like a woman” “ You’re acting like a boy” I hated that. 

I never really talked about this with anyone because I don’t know who would understand me but, I never looked at myself as a victim, I always tried to find the positive side and what I can do to not make myself feel like a freak. 

That’s where I started acting and doing more activities such as MC and finally getting to do the fun activities like being a background dancer in my first year there where I met someone who crushed my heart in pieces (Out of topic). That experience I gained comments, one which I remember clearly. This is how the interaction went. 

I just finished the dance and I was getting something from my room with my friend. Some high school folks came by and asked me for a picture. I agreed to. They both seemed very happy when i agreed to do it. We took some pictures. While taking the picture, the girl I was taking a picture with commented on my breasts “ She has big boobs”. 

Comments about my breasts led me to try and hide them. I gained a bad posture and I started comparing my body to the other kids. I felt like hell. I hated my leg because there were bigger than others. 

The more I grew up the more i realise that sometimes, I am just a bit different from where I grew up and that’s okay. Living with those situations when I was a kid made me feel so much comfortable and happier here in London. There are different people and backgrounds.